Proof Read

Since I am considering this blog as my public service to those men out there thinking about getting hitched, I'm going to let men AND women in on a little secret that everyone should know. PROOF READ EVERYTHING... TWICE!!!!

Our wedding programs came in today, and I was going to be the nice fiance and help fold them. Assuming the 15 people we showed the draft to never alerted us of any errors, and after our own careful inspection, we assumed everything was just dandy and started folding away. As I was on about my third or fourth program, I noticed a small, maybe even unnoticeable typo. This tiny little error made me check the rest of the program. Robert Chapman would have messed his pants. It's almost like Saranne wrote these programs via her blackberry... after a few bottles of Claire's wine.

Needless to say, I'm not folding programs tonight.

I had my bachelor party a few weekends ago. Most of my groomsmen and I went to Memphis for a night. I think. Actually, it was a pretty chill trip. I did notice that everytime I go on a road trip out of state, it's always easier to pretend you went to Ole Miss. Drunk folks on Beale St don't really know the tune to "DO IT LIKE A CHOCTAW". DO IT!

The most interesting part of the evening to me was that the last men left standing were all the married guys. The single ones all bailed at some point. I can't say exactly how the night ended, but Robert ended up Steppin It Up in a moonwalk battle against a frat boy. Robert won. Frat boy had no skills. Terrell thought his basketball slam dunk dance and making it rain was a crowd favorite... and I choose to forget what Dillard did. JK

Had a shower last weekend. I should get married more often. I didn't know I could have 2 birthdays in one month (May 26th, by the way). I was so excited about all of my gift cards until my beautiful bride-to-be politely reminded me that my Home Depot gift cards get to go towards our FLOWER BED! Fan-friggin-tastic!!!

Anyway, I have 9.3 more days of singledom left. Hawaii better be worth all this.

Karma

I'm not really sure how to spell Karma (Kharma?), or really what it even is, but I'm pretty sure it's chasing me, and I can't get away. I feel like Earl. I've been a slacker lately and karma is trying to tell me to get back on my game. Hence the blogging tonight. I'm just trying to do what it tells me.

I have been meaning to get my brakes fixed for a very long time now, and as the world's greates procrastinator, have just been putting it off. I hit a pothole yesterday and almost killed me and my beautiful bride-to-be. I saved us, of course. Anyway, on the way back, my truck started making this ridiculously loud screeching noise from one of my front wheels. The noise started just as we pulled in to the neighborhood and EVERY neighbor was outside at that moment. Ashlea was SO embarassed and it hurt my feelings.

So I took the tire off and tried to spin the rotor, but it was hard to turn and made that noise again. To spare my fiance of any more embarassment, I put the tire back on and decided to just leave the truck in the garage and call a tow truck in the morning to tow it and get the brakes fixed. I told her it was karma because I have needed to get my brakes fixed for months, and so they just finally gave out in a BIG way. After a few hours of stressing about karma, I vowed to do everything I'd been putting off. Stuff at work, taxes, groomsmen gifts, and BLOGGING. So I promised karma and God that I would do ALL of these things on Monday.

After stressing about the brakes for several more hours, we decided to call Ashlea's dad. He'll at least know how to stop the embarassing noise so she can face her neighbors again. He came over and I took the tire off for him to inspect this mysterious brake problem we were faced with. About 1.2 seconds later he asks me for a screwdriver and pops a rock out of nowhere, spins the rotor, NO NOISE. All these promises and all this stress over a stupid rock the size of my pinky nail. Suddenly, all those promises I made came to me. I debated on whether God and karma would forget it all because it turned out to be a silly little rock, but decided not to chance it, so this is why I'm blogging. (If you wanted to know why).

As an added bonus, after a 10 hour workday, I left with as much work as I started, still have no groomsmen gifts, I now owe the IRS more than I can even take out a loan for... but at least karma is happy with me.

The wedding stuff has been pretty fun lately. We went to get our marriage license several weeks ago, but found out that they are only good for 60 days, and if we would have gotten it while we were there, it would have been 63 days away. I didn't see anything wrong with this, but Ashlea did, so my expired marriage license idea was scratched, but you're welcome to try it for yourself if you want.

On that trip, we also got to try the wedding cakes. HOLY GOD this was by far my favorite part of the whole wedding planning. This girl brings out a plate full of cake and icing. She talked to us for a good 30 minutes and when it was over, there was NOTHING left. Literally NOTHING. So then we thought if we asked for the caterer, maybe he would bring a plate too. LAME-O didn't bring anything. Lesson learned I guess.

Ashlea went on her bachelorette party on Friday with all her bridesmaids and friends. I'm kinda hoping the pictures have been edited for my viewing because if not, we're really going to have to tone down my party plans. The girls did meet Andy Roddick thoush, so I'm hoping maybe we can run into Anna Kournikova or Maria Sharapova in Memphis. Maybe karma owes me one after this week!!

First of all... Shout out to Derek K. HAPPY NOW?

Second of all, I didn't forget I had a blog, it's just that wedding stuff is just boring lately. We're going down to the beach this weekend to pick out all of the stuff we can't do from Clinton. I know it sucks, but I'll suck it up and go to the beach anyway.

We did go to a popular department store in a once prominent mall on the northside of Jackson where everyone told us we HAD to register. So to make everyone happy, we went. This could possibly be the worst experience so far. The scanner they gave us SUCKED. I'm a man who needs immediate feedback and this thing is taking its sweet time. All this means is that Ashlea and I had to spend more time in a mall than we ever wanted to. We don't usually get along too well during shopping experiences, and when I'm mad at the scanner, my cooler head can't prevail. I'm pretty sure I asked for that ring back about 6 times during this one.

Not only did the scanner suck, the store itself wasn't in the best shape either. All of the items were scattered about, and it looked like one big clearance rack. Our favorite item at the store was the silver platter that was apparently returned by Adam and Janette because the card was still stuck to the top it along with a little wrapping paper. I didn't scan that one just in case Janette had a change of heart. Enough about that place.

We got a few of our engagement photos back so we can put them in the papers, and I was right. We both look like we just got our pinky toes cut off but were still forced to smile. Unfortunately these are the pictures that the entire metro area will see. Do me a favor and don't check out the engagement announcements in any of your local papers tomorrow.

Ashlea picked out our invitations today. She brought 2 books home so full of invitations I had to spot her just so she could put them on the table. I opened the first book, saw the first invitation, liked it, didn't understand why we had to go any further. She, on the other hand, kept going. Actually, it took her 2 days to make it to page 8, so I'm pretty sure she just gave up and picked that one so she wouldn't have to lug those books around anymore.

I'm too busy watching American Idol to finish this, but I'll be sure to update everyone after the beach trip.

I think I officially have something like 80 days left to run for my life. Right now though, the shin splints won't let me run anywhere. We've been working out like crazy to look good for the honeymoon in Hawaii, and it is KILLING me. We're running almost 3 miles a day. I've never run 3 miles total over my lifetime so imagine how much fun this is for me.

On to wedding stuff. We took our engagement photos earlier this week. YAY. I don't know how many of you have ever tried to get Ashlea to actually "pose" for a picture, but it is no easy task. She was making the most unnatural faces. Robby kept having to tell her to relax, but there was no relaxing. I don't know why it's so hard for her to pose for pictures, but I'm gonna warn the wedding party now, pictures on wedding day are going to be helllllllll. So just be patient, and Claire and I will have flasks for everyone.

We've also met with John (our officiant) a couple of times now. Last week he gave us these tests to take home and fill out, but not let each other see. Knowing how much I could trust my fiance, I waited until the last minute to fill it out so she wouldn't cheat and read it. As we were going over our answers with him, he basically told me that I waited so long to propose that we know everything there is to know about each other. O well. I think we only have to meet with him one more time, so I'll let everyone know about that one.

Ahhhhh, there's nothing like spending Valentine's weekend with your fiance. Most of my blogs are general Public Service Announcements for all men, but I think I'm going to take this one in another direction. I'm just going to tell everyone about our lovely romantic weekend.

After work on Friday we had a nice romantic dinner. Nothing like Froghead with the future sisters-in-law and their signifant others to set the mood. I walked right out of there with the cup, didn't even give it back. THUGLIFE.

After our romantic dinner, I thought I would kick it up a notch and take her to a movie. Of course a future sister-in-law and her significant other came with us. As we sat down and held hands as "Friday the 13th" started, I knew I had swept her off her feet. Saturday was going to be the BEST Valentine's day EVER.

Well... Valentine's day came. Today is our day to just be alone, and be romantic. It's all about us. Sooo, we go register for wedding gifts. We started at the Cupboard (great place, check it out) where Ashlea and Meg got into a fight because my fiance didn't have a clue what theme she was going for in the kitchen. I knew I was in for a LONG day. By the way, our theme is not Rainbow, but someone can't handle such big decisions under pressure. So she wrote Rainbow.

We got out of the cupboard with no further incident, and were off to Target. I don't really like going to Target, but this TOTALLY changed my opinion of it. They gave us a scanner and told us to scan whatever we wanted. WHATEVER WE WANTED. SO, I DID. I couldn't figure out why Ashlea kept getting mad at me for scanning all of this cool stuff I was seeing. After all, everyone at work has been telling me to scan anything and everything. Turns out, I was right. We left Target with only 40 things on our registry. My beautiful bride-to-be began to get the point. JUST SCAN.

Our next stop was at Bed Bath and Beyond. This place was a trip. We sat down at a little desk with a nice man named Don who told us all about the china and silverware. NICE DON, but where's the scanner. After Don finally gave us the scanner, and a powerpoint presentation on how to use the thing, we were off. She was beginning to get the point and started telling me to scan all kinds of stuff. I was so proud. We were doing pretty good until we got in the bathrug section and some 6 year old flew around the corner of an aisle and gave me the stink-eye (yeah the stink eye from a 6 year old). He was fierce. I looked at little Damian and quickly apologized for whatever action I did that may have offended the spawn of Satan. I then grabbed my fiance and saved her from the evil rug station before anything bad happened to her.

Not long after my face-to-face with the devil himself, we were done scanning. Don had given us a clipboard along with the scanner and I was holding both of them while Ashlea was roaming around the store. So here I am, in a retail store with a scanner, a clipboard, and not making any eye contact with the customers so they wouldn't think I was some manager taking inventory. I literally had to ignore some people. Sorry BB&B, but you should think that through a little better before you send people out w/ scanners and clipboards.

Sunday was supposed to be a nice relaxing picnic in Edwards at the lake with the in-laws. OOOO NOOOOO. We started off with a little batmiddon as Jake calls it, then played about an hour of volleyball. All fun and games right? I haven't gotten to the paintball part yet. For some reason I agreed to play paintball with Ashlea, Matt, and my future father-in-law, Jimmy. I've played other sports with the man, and knew this couldn't be a good idea. Ashlea and I were on a team against the two of them. It was the usual painful paintball game until my future father-in-law decided to welcome me to the family by putting a hole the size of a truck in my neck. No people it's not a hickey, it's a battle wound. The battle wound wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have to take engagement pictures on Tuesday. YAY. I'm sure I'll have great stories about that.

Anyway, sorry to bore everyone with an actual story, instead of great man advice, but some things I just have to share.

I haven't blogged in quite a while. This wedding planning stuff has gotten really boring. All I have to do is sit around and say "yes". Other than pick out groomsmen gifts, my checklist is already done. It's just so boring. My fiance doesn't even talk to me. She has some new BFF Leigh lady who she talks to, and about, all the time. They always talk about centerpieces and chairs and tablecloths, SO BORING. I can't get her to pay any attention to me. The new BFF lives in Gulf Shores so I'm pretty sure the friendship won't last.



This new BFF sent her a proposal for all the junk they talk about, HA, some friend she is! She's one expensive friend. But, I'm proud of my baby, she whittled that bill down to a third of the original cost (must have talked to Saranne). I just wish she could have been that frugle over the last 4 years, with MY money.



We did have a "Meet the Fockers" night last week. Our parents already knew each other, so we didn't have to worry about that awkwardness. Ashlea and I, and our parents, got together at Margaritas to discuss the big plans. I thought this was a good idea, until they put us in the middle of the restaurant so the entire place got to hear every little detail. It was going pretty well until Brenda brought out "THE BOOK". I'm talking about a 250 page spiral notebook FULL of questions she'd been jotting down since the proposal... or maybe even before. 6 hours later, we had answered all of the questions. We sat girls facing guys. Girls talked wedding, guys ate. Overall, a pretty good meeting. I don't think we got anything resolved, but one of the 100 wedding magazines told us to have a meeting of the families, so we did.



The next item on my list is to pick out my song for some slideshow we're having. FIRST OF ALL, I don't think a bunch of pictures from my past is a good idea at my own wedding. But, if she's OK with it, then fine. I just hope the grandmothers are gone at that point. Back to the song: My instructions were to pick out a song that sums up my childhood, so I'm thinking either "Sexy Back" by JT or "Business Time" by Flight of the Conchords. I'll be taking a pole.



Anyway, I guess I'm done.



NOT QUITE, I tried the "Yes Mam, you're right" thing today. Apparently there is a context in which to use that phrase that I missed. Lessons Learned.

Finally

Well I finally got to talk about something I actually cared about today. My BACHELOR PARTY!!! I almost forgot about that, that's the only reason guys even get married. I'm in an interesting situation because my single friends have a totally different idea about what we should do than my married friends do. Imagine that. I tend to side with the single friends when they tell me about their plans for it, but I won't go into those details.

Surprisingly my dad kinda agrees with the single friends too. Since he's my best man, I think I'll let him be the tie-breaker. OK single friends we can go to Plati... nevermind, almost slipped there.

Anyway, Ashlea wants me to have my bachelor party at the same time she has her bachelorette party. HA, YEAH RIGHT (don't tell her I said that). One of the best things about having a beach wedding is that she's going to be gone all the time planning, and I get to be ALONE. That means watching Angelina Jolie movies and not having to clean up after myself. If I figure out how to stagger the bachelor/bachelorette parties, that just gives me one more weekend alone. According to everyone at work, I'm going to need to take advantage of every bit of alone time I can get, and I plan to take their advice (don't tell her that either).

I also got to discuss joint bank accounts today. I HAVE TO SHARE THAT TOO????? Geez, she's already taken my manhood and every bit of pride I had, now she wants my paycheck? Joke's on her though: that ring on her finger depleted that sucker, so we'll see how much she loves me when that first statement comes in.

Well, I have to go fill out our Knot.com checklist. According to that thing we are way behind, so we have to lie to it sometimes.